A day in the life of binge eating disorder.

Age: 17 Year: 2012

The start of my days has changed now. After a long and deep sleep I awake foggy and it takes me a while to get my bearings. Soon enough, I get the familiar throb in my head and once again become aware of last nights binge still in my stomach. As I start my day I make the same promise to myself that today will be different. Today I won't falter. Today I will stay in control.

I force down my usual breakfast of PB on toast, having learned long ago that skipping breakfast never ends well. After, I make my way to work. It's a morning shift, and goes by smoothly enough. Then, I have a lunch date with a friend, enjoying sushi and a juice. I am reassured by the feeling of being content. I breathe deeply and try to hold onto the feeling of at least appearing normal. I am in control, I will be okay, I am calm and content. These mantas are on repeat in my mind.

I spend the early afternoon shopping and wandering about southland, then we decide to see a movie. I happily go along, buy the tickets, and then we walk up to the snack bar. Shit. I really want popcorn for the movie, that's normal right? Surely it's okay to just have some popcorn and a coke? Everyone does.

But I know. I know that buying that popcorn and drink won't end there. I know they will spark cravings for other sweet and salty things as I search for the feel good rush that comes with food. For the past few months now food has been my comfort, the one constant that I can rely on to fill the void of not knowing who I am, what I want, or why I am even still on this earth.

But before my mind makes the huge mental leap towards doing what I know is best, I have already handed over the money and am walking into the cinema, popcorn and coke in hand. I do it on auto-pilot now. It numbs out the thoughts, at least for a little while. I pretend everything is normal, laugh along with the movie, and for a while I even have myself convinced that everything will be okay and tonight won't end up like last night. I am a normal teenager doing normal teenager things right?

But the movie ends. I catch the bus home. It's getting dark and once again I am alone with my thoughts. They are still muddled, jumping from analysing those around me and making sure I'm as safe as possible, to questioning everything. But i know a way to drown them out now. I know a way to fix them temporarily. As the chaos in my mind gains momentum so does the need for relief. I'm not home long at all before I leave again. I need comfort, and last week I threw away every stash of food I had in my room in an attempt to stop myself. But my body and mind know a way out now, and again I act well before I give myself time to rationalise. All I want is to be away from how I currently feel.

In the midst of my internal chaos I find myself walking the aisles of the local supermarket. Into my basket goes a block of chocolate, a packet of gummy bears, a box of cookies, a family size slab of brownie, a family size packet of chips and a 1L Big M. I walk out, two shopping bags in hand, pretending I'm about to go to a sleepover with a large bunch of friends, writing a different narrative in my mind.

Reality is, I go and find a secluded park, I sit, and I eat. It's dark now, so no one can see me. It starts slow, as it always does. Picking and choosing, enjoying the flavours and feeling the rush of endorphins they bring. But it isn't long before one mouthful is followed in quick succession by another with hardly a breath between. I can longer taste the food, but I have an overwhelming need to continue, to keep searching for the rush. The voices in my mind are quiet as long as I am eating, but they return if I even take a moment to pause. I am full. So full. But I can't stop.

It's beginning to hurt now, and the rush is dying as the pain is growing. Soon it's all gone. All inside me, trying to fill the empty void. I lie down, tears in my eyes due to both the pain and the realisation that it happened again. I can't move for a little while, but eventually the numb feeling comes across me that helps me cope. I manage to get up, pick up my rubbish and slowly walk home. The stabbing pain is slowly dissipating to the all too familiar feeling of being uncomfortably large. Too big and too much for this world.

I walk in the door and go straight to my room. I know I'll be safe once under the covers. Once I'm in bed I can't eat anymore. The day will be over and I can try again tomorrow.

Lying down I have both a sense of relief and disgust. I lie there, feeling my stomach and thighs, berating myself for being so out of control. The sugar high is well and truly gone now, and as I drift into a comatose like state, I end the day as it began. With an empty promise. Tomorrow, tomorrow I'll do better.

"All I want is to be away from how I currently feel."

What helped me push through?

This period in my life was thankfully short-lived, with the height of it only lasting about 6 months. But it was one of the darkest in terms of getting help because it was all too easy to hide - or at least hide the emotions and struggles even though the physical effects were apparent. But we live in a society where being overweight and eating too much is shamed as a lack of will, or lack of self control. I did not lack self control. What I did lack was healthy coping skills and the understanding and support I needed to deal with my emotions and struggles. Even in this time I had the mind of an athlete and was still somewhat active, but the illness gave me a body that was completely contradictory to the view I always wanted of myself and was not in line with any of the things I wanted to achieve. Again the Headspace online counselling helped validate my struggles in this time and was my one connection to a more rational way of being. But this was one of my most lonely struggles due to the shame.

I am thankful that now the conversations around food and eating disorders is changing and awareness is growing. Headspace do awesome work to raise the level of understanding and provide care.

Coincidentally, todays mental health fact as part of The Push Up Challenge is actually about nutrition. Studies show that high levels of sugar in your diet may make it more likely you will develop mental ill health in the future, and increased sugar intake is associated with more severe symptoms of depression. Being where I am now, I know all too well the importance of nutrition for mental and physical health. I am happily and healthily plant-based and sugar free, and have personally never felt better.

It always saddens me to see the way it has become normal for people to turn to food for emotional comfort rather than other people or services. There is nothing wrong with indulgence and eating for the soul at times, but constantly turning to sugar or food for comfort is one of those band-aid fixes that leaves people worse off in the long run. Nourish your body with good food and activity, and nourish your mind with good people, interesting stimulation, and deep thought.

It is okay to feel.