Still We Rise
I am human.
I have a heart filled with grief and a body riddled with scars,
And I sometimes believe I should be put behind bars.
I live in a world of confusion and insufferable pain,
With a mind that deceives me and drives me insane.
I have more burns on my body than years in my life,
And torturous memories of my blood on a knife.
I can't sleep without nightmares or rest without guilt,
And you wouldn't believe the amount of tears I have spilt.
Yes I do have a family, whom I love and adore,
And as far as possessions I couldn't ask for more.
Truth is I have lived a life that is blessed,
Why is it then that I have become so depressed?
Your guess as to the reason is as good as mine.
Why just me, out of my family of nine?
Don't bother looking for the answers aren't there,
It is true when they say that life isn't fair.
So I guess that is why this is me and not you,
That's tortured and haunted and can't find a way through.
This disease is like any cancer, just as scary and lethal,
And touches the lives of just as many people.
The only difference is it is not of body, but mind,
And for some unknown reason that makes people blind.
Blind to the need for some help and understanding,
Rather than the restraints and constant reprimanding.
To make sufferers believe that treatment is shameful,
And turn legitimate diagnoses into an insult and a label.
That is the world that we live in right now.
A world where a death threat is more common than a vow.
So yes I have thoughts that are dark and absurd,
And my grasp on reality is shaky and blurred.
But I promise this scares me much more than it scares you,
So before you try to judge what I have been through:
Try to see that I don't choose to live my life this way.
I don't choose to struggle to make it through each day.
I am exactly the same person I was before you knew.
I have as mental illness, but I'm still just as human as you.
~ Simone Brick, 2015 ~
I'm not sure about you, but I hear almost daily how much people despise social media for how fake it is. How it has become a virtual 'reality' that separates people from real life. That it needs more real posts and people. So far I have posted many pictures on here of my struggles. What you see above are photos from the same period of time that did make it to instagram and facebook. Because I was stuck in that collective mindset too. The one that said to only show the good stuff. It damn near almost killed me.
See, between the hospital trips, the medication changes, the doctors appointments and the police calls, I appeared to everyone except those closest to me as 'normal'. I was the girl next door, the waitress at the restaurant you dined at, the swimming teacher and nanny to your children. I read books, went for runs, had lunch out with friends and I smiled a lot. But even in these times of stability, the door would shut, and I would break. Then if I couldn't put on the mask we are all conditioned to wear, I would disappear into hospital again, telling friends I was going on holiday.
I was on social media, and I saw the glamour a lot of people post. What this did, was cement in my mind that I was different. I was lesser. That I was going through was wrong and to be suffered alone. I would search for stories of darkness not to trigger me, but to reassure myself I wasn't alone. That there were people like me somewhere.
What even I didn't know at the time, was that there were people like me everywhere. Mental illness is in every room you walk into. It may be at different levels in different circumstances, and it may be very well hidden, but it is there.
Change is starting to come in many ways in our world, with more people opening up and more conversations being started. But yesterdays post about psychosis was apparently still one step too far for social media. One step too real. I woke up to a message from instagram that my post 'Violated community standards' and had been removed. That they are trying to protect the community by moderating posts. 30 minutes ago I got another one from facebook.
Now I'm all for that, and it's reassuring that there is some level of standard required. Although I do wonder who sets those standards. I was the person with binge eating disorder seeing fat shaming things displayed daily. The rape survivor with posts insinuating sexual violence allowed because it was hidden by 'a joke'. The insecure teen being shown countless weight loss and fitness ads with perfect bodies, that apparently did followed the 'community standards' trying to protect me.
Also, this makes me question how many peoples stories have been hidden, just when they reach out for help and let people in. What if that was the first time I opened up and I didn't have a huge support crew and people thanking me for spreading awareness in a different way? That person would then probably subscribe to the first thought that popped into my mind when I saw that message. The thought that my struggles, my reality, my pain, is too much for anyone else to handle. It is wrong. That no one wants to know about it.That I am alone and I shouldn't speak up. I don't deserve help and no one will ever understand.
I know that this stuff is hard to read, that it is confronting. Life is sometimes hard. Life is sometimes confronting. I could share all the good parts throughout my illnesses; all the friends made, the progress and the triumphs. But everyone shares that. Everyone is comfortable with that. I'm not doing this to be popular or to make an all too comfortable world more comfortable. That comfort of many is often at the cost of the few who need more people to understand just how real life gets.
So yes, my posts may trigger some people. I did say in the post that was deleted that people should be careful with themselves, that they don't have to read. That it isn't aimed at those in the depths right now. It saddens me to think that in a moment it may have a negative affect on some. But I know from my experience and from the amazing amount of loving and caring feedback I have received (from quite literally all over the world), that it does more good. That for everyone one person triggered, fifty or more become more educated, more aware and more open as to how to help that person with the that trigger and every trigger thereafter. When I was in that place, I would see posts from people in the position I am today, people sharing the reality of it all after having gotten through it, and I was in one sense triggered. But I know for me that was outweighed by the sense of hope and connection it brought too.
It is not lost on me that yesterdays post was incredibly confronting for everyone, not just mental illness warriors. But it got the most shares, the most likes, the most messages, and initiated the most amount of people so far to open up and shared their own story. It created the most change. I tried to count, and stopped at 200 people that have messaged me to thank or share their story with me and others. Why? Because it was real. It was me. I got only one message from someone telling me to be careful, that maybe this sort of stuff doesn't belong on social media.
I already had my gripes with social media, and contrary to how it looks (because everything on instagram is real right?), I spend as little of my day as possible on it. But I have never wanted that to take away from the good I have received from it. The initiation of change, the support, the information. As Sim B1, who bravely wrote about BPD just days ago said to me today: If social media isn't the place to post things that evoke change, then all the 'save the planet' and animal abuse photos should be taken down too.
That post was harder to write, and harder yet to live through, than it ever will be to read. Plus believe me when I say I could have made it more confronting and showed pictures ten times worse. More triggering content is a single google search away, and I force no one to follow or read along. In fact I encourage anyone that isn't ready for this to not do so. A message needs to be digestible, and from the response and beautiful support I got I know mine was.
Right now there are people living through the same thing I described and worse (yes it can get worse), and they are the ones that need to be seen and heard and helped. When I went through it, I too felt almost alone, but I am one of the lucky ones with an incredible family and a small number of incredible friends that did stick by me, and see the me underneath it all. We can create a world where everyone can see the person beneath the illness, but not if we don't create space for peoples stories.
If real life doesn't belong on social media, what does? Smiles and poses and happiness and rainbow unicorns? Trying to protect people from reality does nothing to serve the people living it.
I am not angry or sad that it was my post and my story. I have learned not to listen to ego through the humbling nature of what I have lived through, and this entire endeavor is so, so much bigger than me. I am sad and angered that though we often hear the message that things are changing, that the world is more open, that 'It ain't weak to speak' and starting conversation is important, there are still systems in place to make sure the conversations and messages that are allowed in mainstream media aren't 'too' real. That we need the comfort of knowing the person got better, that they aren't like that right now, that its a past struggle, in order for the message to be heard.
To end on a positive note ( yes I like a happy ending as much as anyone after all) - I am not discouraged. This entire push-up challenge is designed to send the message that when things get hard and obstacles come, we can push through. I was always planning on taking somewhat of a break from the storytelling today as yesterday was a big one, but tomorrow will be business as usual. My story thankfully does take a very slow and stumbling uphill trajectory from here, although I would hope that even if it didn't people would still follow along. I will be writing about the different treatments that brought me back and helped, including medications, ECT, TMS, MST and different cognitive therapies. I will have other contributors share their story. I will also write about my current struggles with PTSD, and yes I will be outlining a day in my life now, to show that there is hope and immense progress is possible. That if you push through the darkness there is light to be had.
I am telling my story and standing in that light in the hope that it creates more light for people to do the same. Thankyou to everyone that is coming along for the journey. Every time I receive a message of support, another heartfelt story, or my writings are shared, it truly does help me on my healing path. I can only hope it is helping as many other people as possible on theirs.
I found the following quote today and it sums up my mission pretty nicely.
"Since we cannot change reality, let us change the eyes that see reality"
Nikos Kazantzakis
If you can help me on that mission by spreading either my messages or your own, I know we can be more powerful and create more change, despite any obstacles. No matter what people say, being real is always a better option. Because:
Still We Rise.