Waking up today I had grand plans of getting my training done as early as possible, smashing out some study, then getting a blog post about my return to running done; all before seeing my psychologist at 3pm. What actually ended up happening, is I found myself more physically fatigued than expected, so I halved my training load for the day. Then, I wasn't able to take in any study I tried to do so rather than stress myself further I scrapped that and did a grocery shop for my meal prepping this weekend. By the time I sat down to do the blog post, my anxiety levels about the upcoming psych visit had risen enough to make writing an impossible task.

That is perhaps the first struggle of any type of psychotherapy or deep internal work; the anxiety and fear. It is confronting to walk into a room knowing I am going to be asked to face up to my true self and explore my deepest reality. Sure I could hide behind the masks I have been crafting for years, but that would negate the reason for being there in the first place. Instead I have learned to see the anxiety for what it is; a positive. It is a sign that what I am doing means something to me, and is important. If I didn't have a sense of anxiety before being in a situation that evokes such powerful feelings of vulnerability and pain, I would say either the walls I have up are so thick I have even myself fooled, or I have somehow become so wise and content that I have nothing internal worth working through. Thankfully, I am years beyond my protective layer being thick enough to fool myself, but I am also many lifetimes away from having nothing internal I can do to improve my wellbeing. So it was with this uncomfortable but accepted sense of anxiety that I managed to tick off a few menial tasks that required almost no mental power, and then made my way to my psych appointment.

Walking in, I could still feel the walls come up initially. I answered the first question of 'what's been happening since I last saw you?' in a bright and bubbly manner, as if I was catching up with a friend for coffee. I went into the protective mechanism of throwing out all sorts of distractions about my life and simple things I have been doing for the past couple of weeks, going into more detail than necessary about meaningless things as a way to try and put off further questions. My current psych is too smart for that one though, and very quickly put an end to the stream of words. He called to attention the smoke screens, making me stop and realise exactly what I was doing, questioning why and what I was trying to distract from. This is the second hard part that comes to mind. If you have good psych working with you, you can't fool them the way you can most people in life.

Todays appointment was mostly about exploring my past tactics for working through my mental minefield and what may come up as we try to move deeper into my PTSD triggers. These tactics has included externalising struggles in order for me to view them in a different light and gain reassurance from others that I'm not making things up. My psych highlights the need to also stop and create a deeper internal connection with my past self, changing the way I view younger me. With the topic we were discussing, this involved going back to my 18 year old self and viewing myself from the perspective of someone that abused me. How my negative self image and confused vulnerability affected the way those around me perceived me, despite how much I tried to hide it. How my internal abuse of self created an environment where it was possible for him and others to mirror that behaviour and abuse me.

In one part, as he spoke and ventured towards trying to view the pain of the time, I was sitting there telling myself to hold it together. Don't cry, detach, it's okay. As he entered down this path, my mind started running riot. I had thoughts absolutely screaming their way through, with wall after wall coming up to try and stop myself from going down the path my psych was leading me. Thoughts of my psych trying to make excuses for the perpetrators of abuse came up as a possible block to going any deeper. Other thoughts of self blame, anger, sadness and confusion all flowed through my mind, all ending in one thing; stop. My heart started thumping and racing, the lump in my throat started feeling like I was choking, and eventually despite my best efforts I burst into tears. All I could manage to blub out in my overwhelmed state was 'I'm so confused'.

But that was the hardest part done for the day. We had gone a little deeper, dug a little closer to the true pain. Although I was now sitting there in painful tears of confusion and exhaustion, I had learned more. My psych wasn't trying to blame me or create excuses, he was trying to get me to create a connection with myself as I was back then. To understand her more, and therefore understand the situation more. This helped me cement just how helpless I was and how my actions were all I could have done at the time. It also provided reassurance that it could never happen again, because I am no longer the vulnerable 18 year old that is living a depressed and conflicted life. I am confident, self assured, and I respect myself. If I was in the same situation in my current state with my current knowledge, things would have been very different. See, people that hurt others and take advantage of them don't go for the people exhibiting strength. They prey on the weak and vulnerable, which in no way excuses their actions but instead makes them all the more despicable. I am stronger and wiser because of my experiences and the work I have done so far, therefore people don't test out their strength or ability to overpower others on me anymore.

Now, I am home, sitting in front of my computer after a beautifully balancing acupuncture session, and I am exhausted. With the amount of hormones, stress and emotion that has coursed through my body today I am about as drained as I get. My family now know that when I get home like this, I can't talk. I am done for the day. Sure I haven't ticked most of what I wanted to get done off my list. But doing this internal work makes life a little harder and more unpredictable for a while. I am choosing a deeper short term struggle in order to achieve more freedom than I would otherwise have for the rest of my life. The blog post about my return to running, and the study, will have to wait. Training will have to continue to be adapted day by day, and many times I won't answer the phone or socialise unless I feel fully able that day. That's okay. I'm in the middle of the marathon. Anyone that has been there knows that although the pain and struggle of the current time is real, what awaits at the end is relief, satisfaction, lessons, and empowerment. I am scared, confused, tired, and unsure of what tomorrow will bring. But day by day, by choosing to continue working through my internal world rather than around it, I am working towards that end.

Still We Rise.