Silence use to scare me.
No, silence use to petrify me.
I couldn't sleep without music, dreaded gaps in conversation, and would do
everything in my power to fill my world with white noise.

You see, to me silence meant pain.
Silence meant loneliness, sadness, and fear, all rolled up into a huge ball of
despair that I didn't know how to escape from.

Why silence?
Because when the world was quiet and I could no longer fill the void with
words, all I was left with was my inner voice; and my inner voice wanted me
dead.
My inner voice was so cruel and strong that it could tear apart my skin without
me feeling a thing.

At every opportunity my inner voice filled my body with poison and convinced
me the world was a better place without me in it.
It convinced me I wasn't thin enough, pretty enough, kind enough, or worthy enough
to be alive.

So how do you conquer an enemy that follows you everywhere you go and drags
you down at every opportunity?
You force it to come out to play.
Through silence I was destroyed and through silence I will rise again.

I have spent a long time now breaking the silence with healthy actions;
speaking the words of my inner voice to gather ammunition against it from those
around me.
Now though, it is time to return to the void, to choose to go into silence and
invite my demons to the forefront of my mind so I can address them head on.

It may take a few tries, but I am ready.
I will embrace silence and its current pain so that once again silence can
become beautiful.
I will fall and crumble, but this time I will pick myself back up and put
together a life where words mean more, noise is an unnecessary distraction, and
silence brings peace and healing.

Silence use to scare me.
It was a painful black.
Now, silence is taking me home.
It is a peaceful golden.

~ Simone Brick, 2017 ~

Still We Rise