Australian Mountain Running Championships 2019
I knew this one would take me a while to process. So here I am, two weeks later, and still learning lots from my approach to nationals and how that reflected on race day. Everything was different about my training and lead in, and so I had to adapt my mental and physical approach to see if I could still make what I had dreamt of all year happen.
In the months leading in, every decision I made with my doctor regarding my injury and recovery was aimed at safely getting me to the start line at Nationals without risking further injury, so I could then go into a good prep for worlds. This meant a conservative approach, with the originally planned 6-8 weeks off running turing into 15 as it became clear my body needed time. It took around 5 weeks for me to shake off the 'I must get back ASAP' thoughts and switch to a 'let's do this properly once and for all' mindset. I made mistakes along the way, but I was determined to learn from them.
Come 5 weeks out from nationals though and I was scared we had it all wrong. I stepped on the Alter-G Treadmill for the first time, and was in my third week of run-walking, hitting 90s run/30s walk X10 three times that week. I worked hard in every aspect of training I safely could, and although running felt somewhat foreign again I knew my cardio base had been kept up by water running and cycling. I also had more trust in my strength after working so hard in the gym during my lay off, but was in that scary phase of everything feeling not quite right.
Jump forward to 15 days out, and I was up to 40 minutes of easy running, then 80 minutes on the AlterG at 90% bodyweight the next day. I was finding that because of the long lay off, my legs fatigued quickly, but my body felt strong and I wasn't dealing with the usual 'am I ready for this' fears of reinjuring myself. I was ready, but it was also dawning quickly that I didn't have any real time to train. 10 days out I finally got out on some trails to do 10 short hill repeats, which was both a confidence booster that at least I could do that, but also made me rethink my normal racing strategies because I didn't have the same stamina and staying power I was used to.
8 days out, the saturday before the race, was where I freaked out. I was home alone, getting ready for race week and trying to organise my travel to Queensland, when it all hit me at once. My longest run in the last 5 months up until that point was 12km, and the race was 14km up and down a bloody mountain. I sat, breathed, meditated, and ate chocolate peanut butter as I tried to reframe my thoughts. I haven't done much in my life the easy way, so I knew if I braced myself and prepared well, I could once again grow through discomfort and come out stronger no matter what the outcome. I was damn scared, but my determination to prove to myself that if I commit I can do it won out. I knew I was going in with low odds and physically compromised, but I wasn't going to let that stop me from doing everything I still could do. Why disadvantage myself further with a negative mindset or improper race week preparation. I was all in.
So race week was different to every other race week I have had. On the Tuesday five days before, I finally did a mountain session that involved hard up and down efforts. It was hard, and again I bonked earlier than I ever have, but it felt so damn incredible to be running on a mountain again that I didn't care. Then because what would race week be without a hiccup or two, I had some inflammation and pain in my toe joint that wasn't going away by normal means, so it was off to docs for a cortisone shot in a last ditch attempt to get that gone before the race. From this point, I had done all the physical work I could.
As per usual, I didn't do any study or anything else that took too much mental energy in the final days. I relaxed, knowing that meant the following weeks would be hectic trying to catch up, but I know concentrating on one thing at a time yields better results in all things. I was committed to the race, and that itself was damn scary.
I know from past experience exactly what putting my entire self into a race or any endeavour means. It gets the best results I ever have, but also takes so much out of me that I have to be careful what else I do before and after. For nationals, this meant when I flew up to QLD on the Thursday, I hired a car rather than relying on public transport. I stayed by myself, in a place outside of the city where I could cook and do everything for myself. I stopped listening to podcasts and just bopped along to music or some motivational sound grabs I have picked up along the journey. I reflected on my preparation and my goal, visualised every outcome I could imagine, and I was so damn free and happy that it felt like nothing could touch me. I slowly walked the course, I journalled, I foam rolled, I found secluded creeks to ice bathe in, I marveled at nature, and I spoke to no one for a solid two days. Then the day before one of my best friends Lauren came to stay with me to see me through the final night. I am a rather severe introvert, but company of those I love dearly is always wanted on that last night, because that's when everything can start to fall into place, or fall apart.
Waking up on race day was actually extremely calming and exciting. That is one way I know if I have got my mental preparation right. When I'm in my element and have everything in place, there isn't any fear or dread. I am filled with excitement that I get to test myself against my own standards, doing what I love, where I love being, surrounded by people I love. Throughout the whole process I am aware that it's just another race, and in the scheme of life it means very little, but I can make it mean a lot if I give it everything I have and that excites me.
So the routine began. Everything was such that I didn't have to think about a thing. Wake up at 5:30am and start my music and motivational speeches. After a cold shower, race kit and tracksuit go on then it's PB and banana on an english muffin with coffee. I was annoyed to find out I had gotten my period overnight, but just took that as one last challenge to overcome, nothing I could do about it. Next up is yoga, light foam rolling and stretching, and final little things like putting my race bracelet on and writing TEAM on my hand. If there was ever a time that I wasn't only running for myself, today was it. I would not have been on the start line without the incredible team I have behind me.
It was a 40 minute drive to the race, all the while singing along to my favourite pre-race songs with Lauren. Once there I again don't have to think about a thing, just do what I have always done. Warm up was chilled, catching up with old friends, and it didn't even bother me that I didn't get to do all my strides. 'Fresher legs for the race' I told myself. Gone were the doubts, because I knew I couldn't let thoughts of the reality of my preparation into my mind so I thought only of how awesome it was to be there and how much I had put into this.
Standing on the start line is always an interesting place to be. There are so many mental battles that occur there as I try to ignore my mind trying to convince me everyone else looks fitter and faster and tell myself I can do this. I'm not one to go into an A race pretending it won't feel like crap. I told myself I was prepared for it to hurt more than any other race I have ever done in my life, and I expected it to. I looked at my reminder on my hand of the team I have around me, then hugged coach as he told me 'you know what to do'. The moment when they put us in the starters hands is where that last bit of 'oh shit, wait, I'm not ready, gimme 5 mins!' comes, but as the gun went, all I had to do was run. Easy right?
I had preloaded so many thoughts into my mind for each section of this race in an attempt to ward off my anxiety and excuses. I knew I couldn't take my usual approach of 'go from the gun and see who can last the longest' into this one - I didn't have the physical backing and it would be foolish to behave as if I did. So I settled into the idea that the first 9-10km all I had to do was keep the lead in sight and never push into the red zone, then it was a 5km race for home.
By some luck of the universe, the race played out exactly like I visualise best case scenario being. The early pace didn't feel fast, and I could relax and have some fun as we settled in. After about 1km I was sitting second, and I don't have any clue what was going on behind me because I made a promise to myself long ago that I would never look backwards in a race. I am moving forwards. The first 4.5km was mostly uphill, with a steep climb from km 3-4.5.
The steep climb sucked. It was mostly a gradient and terrain that pre-injury I would have been running the whole way as it was similar to what I train on often. But I knew from the start of the climb with how heavy and out of practice I felt that if I wanted any hope of kicking home strong, I would need to hike anything steeper than about 15%. Thankfully, I worked so damn hard on my hiking last year that I was able to draw on that form and hike the whole 1.5km section while staying the same 30m distance behind Jas, who was in the lead. I did start to berate myself here, frustrated that my body couldn't do what it normally could and had the thought that if I was at worlds, I would have been getting passed left right and centre. But I was here, not there, so I worked on singing to myself and counting my steps to drown out the negative voice.
Then came my specialty - the downhill. As we started the first descent, I knew we still had almost 10km to go and had to do that steep climb a second time. I wanted to let rip and speed off, but this was a championship race not a time trial and the risk of bonking hard was too high. Relaxing into a comfortably hard effort I trusted my skill on technical terrain to make sure I didn't lose time. Turns out I caught Jas and was super happy to have her there, as we are good friends and it felt like at that point, we were working as a team to push each other, and get through the race strong. We ran almost side by side for the next 2km, encouraging each other as we both had the same goal of getting on the world champs team.
On the climb I again dropped back by about 30 m as Jas ran and I hiked, but it was here especially that I was determined to not destroy myself on my weaker section, so I could make the most use of the last 4.5 km that was almost entirely downhill.
It was at 9.5km, right on plan, that I made the mental switch from 'stay comfortable', to 'race is on, make it hurt'. In the back of my mind I was still amazed that the race was actually playing out how I imagined, but I also didn't have a clue how close the girls in third and fourth were so there was no space to let up anything at all from here. I had a Revvies energy strip and crampfix vinegar shot on the final part of the climb to wake myself up. Then as we started on the downhill, I fixed my eyes on Jas and was very much in my race mindset as I chased and passed her. I knew the next km would probably count the most when it came to getting a lead, so I all out sprinted the next two small climbs in an attempt to get enough of a lead that even if I died off a little I could hold off Jas. I still wasn't sure this would pay off at all as I entered the red zone in a big way, but I was determined that if anyone was going to beat me from here they would have to work hard to do it.
It was with 2km to go that everything started to feel shaky. The thoughts entered my mind that I didn't have to hurt this much, and that I could still make the team coming third or fourth, and that I didn't have the right prep anyway so no one would think bad of me. But I knew I would be disappointed in myself, and that's the most important part. I had hurt more before in my life, and it was now when the pain was overwhelming that I allowed my mind to enter those dark places so I could realise that I did have more to give. I had endured more before, now is the time to do it again. When racing, it is only ourselves that know how much we truly give, and as I also thought of all the solo hours in the pool, all the money I had spent to get here, the team that had helped make it happen - I became more determined than ever to give everything I had.
The course at this race ended in a somewhat cruel way. With about 1.3km to go, instead of continuing back to the finish line they sent us on a sharp right turn to run 350m down a steep and gnarly downhill, only to go around some cones at the bottom and head straight back up the way we came. Then we were finally allowed to head for the line. As I approached the downhill turn, I was scared my legs would give out or my head would give up pushing through the pain, but smiled for camera to try and lift my mind. It was down to one foot in front of the other.
At the bottom of the downhill was my first chance to see how much of a lead I had, but the thing with steep out and backs is that the people behind you appear a lot closer than they are as they are still running down while you run up. So in my mind Jas was a mere 30m or so behind me and this sparked a ferocious sense of fear and determination again. There was less than 1km to go, and I was in the lead at Nationals. Screw pain, I wasn't losing
The only way I could get my body to cooperate was to convince myself the finish line was at the top of the climb. In my head, whoever got there first won and the last 700m of the race didn't exist. So I chased my new finish with everything I had. Once I got there, amazed I had actually made it, I switched back to the proper finish line and 'sprinted' with everything I had. Everything started to feel as though it was falling apart. My vision started going blurry as I sprinted downhill, and my legs weren't clearing the ground by as much so with about 400m to go I took a hard stack on the gravel. I have a vivid memory of lying on the ground, looking down in the direction of the finish thinking 'get back up, NOW'. I ran past another friend who had been watching the race and couldn't even look at him, but was so thankful for his cheers and presence, as I passed sounding like a freight train, unable to breathe and running scared. I still thought I was about to be caught and passed at any moment.
Finally the line came into view. I entered that odd dream-like state thinking 'nope, no way, this is not actually happening' as I teared up from the pain, relief, and satisfaction. I was back. It wasn't pretty, and I have a lot of work to do to get back to how I want to run races, but knowing I had adapted and pulled this off after everything meant more to me than I can explain with words. I hit the ground and lay in disbelief for a few seconds, then watching Jas cross the line less than 30 seconds behind me was another incredible moment. It is only through fierce competition we get to find out what we are truly made of and push our limits, so I have so much love and respect for anyone I ever race against and actually look forward to the days I don't come in first almost as much. That's where my motivation comes from, because if they can go faster, so can I.
So we did it. I say we and not me, because this was far from a solo effort. I did everything I coud to make everyone else's contributions to my journey worthwhile and show that I value them enough to give absolutely everything I can offer to the joint mission. Going into this year, I had a lot of self doubt, thinking that last year was a fluke, that I don't belong on the national scene yet alone the international, and the fear that I would be a 'one and done'. But after winning in New Zealand and now being a dual National Champion, my self belief is starting to grow into a determination to find out what's next.
I learned so much from my injury, this race, and the fact that the recovery has required just as much commitment as the preparation. It will take a while to rebuild my mental drive to push through the pain we all feel during a race again, but thats okay. I can't give everything I have everytime I toe the start line because that wouldn't make the special races special, and I would burn out. World Championships in Argentina is 6.5 weeks away now. That is my next aim, and everything I have done since Nationals and will do until November 15th is geared towards getting to that start line ready to give my absolute all again, but this time with a better preparation!
Still We Rise