Own your story, but don't resign to it.
The healing power of sharing our stories openly is becoming more well known. From the harsh reality of the trials to the true joy of the triumphs, in society and the media today it's not hard to find messages of 'it ain't weak to speak', 'the courage of being vulnerable' and 'reach out, we care'. This is a welcome shift in collective mindset from the days where it was seen as strong to 'save the tears for your pillow' and suffer behind closed doors. I am alive today as a result of sharing my struggles and finally opening myself up to help so that it wasn't just me against my mind. Left to my own devices, I would have lost that battle long ago, but through sharing I was able to gather strength,love, and courage from those around me. Now I myself am stronger, more courageous, and filled with more love for myself and others than I would have ever believed possible.
The journey from hiding every tear to not at all being ashamed of crying in the most public of places and letting everyone know exactly where I am weakest was not a short one. It is a journey that came with its fair share of detriments and failures along the way. Thinking back, I have been sharing parts of my story and trying to be 'open' for years, but it is only in the past year or so that sharing has become a holistically healing path. I was first interviewed for an educational TV program back in 2014, and my instagram dates back to before that, with what can seem to be openness and truth. Which it was, I hid nothing and was not scared to share the depths of what I was going through, but the motivation for that sharing and the effect it had on me were very different to my motivation and the resulting effects today.
At the start, when I shared it was out of desperation for help, understanding, and to feel less alone. That was extremely healing and empowering, as it enabled me to enter a community of people that were all fighting similar battles and truly understood where I was coming from. However, there was a downside that I had to slowly navigate and am only just starting to comprehend now. Before I go into it I feel I must say that this downside in no way outweighs the positives gained and the life saving nature of reaching out, but it is part of the journey that can become more and more entrapping if it is not paid attention to.
The downside, is that I became my story. Rather than continuing to reach out to new people and work to change my surroundings, I started to relive the same story over and over as I believed that is who I was. Every time I introduced myself, I did so while openly saying that I was in the midst of mental battles, or I was recovering from anorexia, or I was getting treatment for psychosis. I pre-warned everyone that I wasn't 'normal' so they didn't expect me to be, which helped in many situations but also allowed that to become my identity. I may have also been studying nursing, working as a swimming instructor, running, and playing football; but it took longer for people to learn that about me than it did for them to learn I was in recovery from multiple mental battles. In many ways I had resigned to the fact that I was first and foremost 'ill', and everything else came secondary to that.
The effect this had, is that anytime I found myself living through a good period where I wasn't as in touch with the recovery community or in intensive treatment; in essence when my life become more 'normal', I felt lost. I had assigned part of my current identity to the part of my past that was severe mental illness, which made stepping away from it harder at times. This is part of what is known as institutionalisation, or becoming reliant on the healthcare system because it is all you know.
In my mind, I was doing the right and brave thing; I was opening up and telling parts of my story to anyone who would hear it and help. But I was also resigning to it, and had almost entirely accepted that it wasn't just my history, but my present and my future too. Getting out of this detrimental circle that I didn't realise I was in, took time. Stepping away came only after surrounding myself with a community of people that cared about what I had been through, but didn't truly understand as they hadn't been there. This challenged me to find connections with them that didn't involve anything to do with my illnesses and struggles. I started to connect with people based purely on my studies, or running, or skydiving; I connected based on my passions and triumphs. In doing so I re-learned that they are part of my story too, and by staying so focused on the depths of my struggles I was forgetting about all the places I was already strong. I was using the blank pages of the days ahead to rewrite the same stuff, rather than allowing space for new stories to unfold.
Now when I tell my story, it doesn't come from of a place of 'I am a sufferer of mental illness', leaving me more prone to identifying only with those that understand that plight. Rather, I share my story as a human being that has had my fair share of struggles, some of which are bizarre and quite severe, but in essence similar to every other human on this planet. I share my story as someone that pushes myself to achieve my best in study, in running and in growing, while also battling mental illnesses along the way. I share my story not so I feel less alone myself, but to show others they aren't alone and that there is a path out of the darkness they may be in.
I can now see my whole story because I am not blinding myself with resignation to one part of it. Because of that, I feel more complete as a human being that has more value, more self-love, and more potential than before. I do not feel stuck, and I am no longer moving in circles. I feel beautiful and whole and ugly and flawed and real and intelligent and scared and human. I feel free.
I hope the world keeps moving towards sharing the truth of our stories, and every individual learns the value of opening up about their existence in their own unique way. If you are yet to try, you can do so on a macro scale; utilising the growing power of the internet to help spread the message of your story far and wide to help as many people as possible. But you can also just start learning to share everything with one close person you trust, and gain strength through that simple, deep connection. No way is better than another, and I'm not about urge everyone to shout their story to the rooftops because that won't always help. You can find your own way of harnessing the power of being vulnerable and open, and don't be ashamed for doing so in the way that sits right with you.
If you know someone is struggling yet they don't want to share with you, respect that too. Bombarding them with messages of how good sharing can be and trying to force their hand won't help any more than refusing to listen will. Remain open to them, but know that just as everyone's struggle is different, everyone's way of opening up will differ too.
If or when you do share, pay attention to what effect that has on your mind and life. Being open truly does have the power to save lives, transform lives, and initiate waves of change that are immeasurable. But don't let your history or your struggles become your identity and future. We are all so much more than the battles we face. No one can be defined solely by their triumphs, and in the same way no one can be defined solely by their trials. Share both sides of yourself equally and unashamedly. Because no matter where you are in life, your story is still being written.
Still We Rise