Own your story, but don't resign to it.
The journey from hiding every tear to not at all being ashamed of crying in the most public of places and letting everyone know exactly where I am weakest was not a short one; and it came with its fair amount of detriments and failures along the way. Thinking back, I have been sharing parts of my journey and trying to be 'open' for years, but it is only in the past year or so that sharing has become a holistically healing path. I was first interviewed for an educational TV program back in 2014, and my instagram dates back to before that with what can seem to be openness and truth. Which it was, I hid nothing and was not scared to share the depths of what I was going through, but the motivation for that sharing and the effect it had on me were very different to my motivation and the resulting effects today.
When special occasions become hard to celebrate.
After five years I thought it would be easier, but Monday proved to me that I still have a long way to go before the 26th of August will be an easy day for me to get through. I still don't know what to do. Do I tell people to ignore it and then deal with feeling relieved, but also a little cheated and unloved when they actually do? Or do I allow the extra attention and feel infinitely loved and appreciated, but deal with more flashbacks and PTSD symptoms than I otherwise would? It feels like either way at the moment I am left conflicted. That makes it damn hard, because everyone around me wants to just do what is best for me. I'm still not sure how anyone can help or what they should say/not say. Bringing attention to the date reminds me of the trauma, but then someone saying anything other than happy birthday and being cautious around me or ignoring it reminds me that my birthday has been tainted and I am missing out on a wonderful celebration.
Motivation vs Determination
The reason I made this distinction is that I realised motivation is a fickle thing. We applaud people for being motivated, saying they are go-getters and high achievers because they have high levels of 'motivation'. But over a year, month, week, day, or even a single workout, motivation waxes and wanes. If we always relied on motivation to get things done, what happens when you don't sleep well, feel a little sick, an easier offer pops up, and motivation for something that is usually high has bottomed out? This is where if the task is high priority, determination steps in.
The value in the struggle of therapy.
That is perhaps the first struggle of any type of psychotherapy or deep internal work; the anxiety and fear. It is confronting to walk into a room knowing I am going to be asked to face up to my true self and explore my deepest reality. Sure I could hide behind the masks I have been crafting for years, but that would negate the reason for being there in the first place. Instead I have learned to see the anxiety for what it is; a positive. It is a sign that what I am doing means something to me, and is important. If I didn't have a sense of anxiety before being in a situation that evokes such powerful feelings of vulnerability and pain, I would say either the walls I have up are so thick I have even myself fooled, or I have somehow become so wise and content that I have nothing internal worth working through. Thankfully, I am years beyond my protective layer being thick enough to fool myself, but I am also many lifetimes away from having nothing internal I can do to improve my wellbeing.